What's the protocol? How far is too far?

Clara Oswald

Clara Oswald

Oswin!
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Here's another one from me...lol...

How do you deal with friends and their exes?

Are the exes of your friends always off limits? Does it matter if it's just a "hook up" (on either side)? Is time a factor? What about crushes?

What do you think?
 
I think Exes are just off limits, and besides Vilandra, there is always a reason why they are an Ex in the first place, so keep that in mind...

Crushes are more of a grey area because if you both like him and nobody has claimed him or her then to me they are fair game, but at least be HONEST about it, don't let your friend drool all over the person all the time and just sit on the sidelines, join in on the drooling so at least that way if anything happens they won't be SO suprised...
 
Well this doesn't exactly apply to me...a friend of mine just has an interesting sort of situation so I just thought it make might an interesting discussion.

My friend (girl) "broke up" with her boyfriend because she decided she just can't do relationships at all, but they really act the same so it's no different imo lol. As neither of them were faithful to each other to begin with. And he and I had a minor one night thing before either of us knew her that as far as I know she doesn't know about.

But anyway she also really likes a friend of mine (along with half the planet). So it just got me thinking if that made me automatically obligated to make sure nothing happens between me and that friend...not that anything would, just musing. ;) I mean, say she moves on to someone else, does that make him fair game?


And for the record I guess I think that both would be off limits...though I think there are reasons it should be okay, when it comes down to it, the friend's feelings would probably get hurt and that's enough reason not to do it.
 
Prophet said:
I think Exes are just off limits, and besides Vilandra, there is always a reason why they are an Ex in the first place, so keep that in mind...
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But that usually doesn't have to mean the Ex is a "bad person" or anything, usually it's just the falling out of love thing or something like that..

Anyways, I don't think exes are off limit. In some cases, if it was a long serious relationship and all that.. but most of the time it's not, in my opinion.. Shouldn't have to be.. I get that it can be like.. uncomfortable and stuff but.. Okay, I'm rambling, but yeah, for many reasons I think it shouldn't have to be, nope.. lol
 
I've never gone for any of my friends exes. Once, the girlfriend of a friend of mine actually called me up asking me to be her new boyfriend. He wasn't a blood brother by any means, but it would be dishonorable to take her up on her offer, even if I had been interested (I wasn't). As far as I'm concerned, exes are off-limits unless your friend gives you the go-ahead.
 
Even if my friend gives me the go ahead I still wouldn't exes are a can of worms. I don't even like getting friendly (and I mean friends nothing more) when they are actual girlfriends as that is also a can of worms.

For me the only time a person is fair game is if they were a one night stand (and the pleasure is more physical than emotional) to the other person. Once emotions are involved things just get messy.
 
The problem lies into the fact that most people just arent honest with each other in these situations. Most of the time people try to hide it which makes it worse. Many times people know when its ok and when its not, its a lie to say you didnt or dont. If you dont know than ask, your friends right? If you arent than date the person anyway, if you are and your truly friends than you can ask your friend. Most of the time I find its not good to date ex's of really good friends especially if you and your friend are alot alike, chances are the problems they had will come up with you or he/she might not want you to hang out with that friend because they dont like em and thats not cool.
 
I'm probably one of the dumber people in life who has actually gone after a friend's ex knowing full well that my friend (girl) wasn't entirely over the guy she broke up with. I know, HUGE drama! When the guy and I got together a couple of weeks after the break-up, my friend refused to speak to me. She was very adament in her decision and kept up the silent treatment for several more weeks. At one point, she even sent one of her friends to confront me (how junior high is that?) and her friend and me ended up in a fight (well, maybe fight is too strong a word. Words were exchanged, slapping, hair pulling...no punches. I'll just call it a cat fight. It was so stupid really, we were in school and everything, an art teacher broke it up). Anyway, the guy and I dated for ten months and when all was said and done, the guy ended up cheating on me and I lost two of my best friends.
Now, I NEVER go after a friend's ex. You may think he's hot now, but what happens when the relationship ends? You definately can't go back to being friends with the person you screwed over. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. Remember this: in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, nothing is stable. You have ups and downs and sideways and diagonal ways and sometimes, fight it all you want, the relationship fizzles and falls apart. But friends, they were there before the boy and they'll be there after (as long as it's not one of their exes). You're better off going with neutral territory.
 
Given that a lot of my friends' exes have been generally regarded as either vacuous or obnoxious, the question never arose too much.

I did get with a friend's ex, but it was just messy, since he stopped speaking to me for ages, and it generally made things awkward.

But on the whole, I stay of the belief that once they're broken up, they are separate people, with their own choices. It's up to them what they do, and if something develops, they shouldn't stop just because someone else in the group already went out with them.
 
In high school my friends had a simple motto for these situations and because of this we dated alot of the same girls with no conflict

"Bros Before Hoes"

Women can use it too. Its very simple, no friendship is worth losing over a person your friend used to date.
 
Yeah but don't you worry that your friend may feel uncomfortable with his trusted best friend dating a girl he once had feelings for. I would feel uncomfortable doing that to one of my friends.

Which raises a side issue would you date your friends sister? Just curious for my own reason....
 
DonDaddyD said:
Which raises a side issue would you date your friends sister? Just curious for my own reason....
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Only if he was cool with it. I posed this question hypothetically to two of my friends and one of them would be cool with it and the other wouldn't. The first one told me that he'd be glad to know she'd be with a good guy who would treat her well, while the one who seemed less-than-thrilled has always seen her as his baby sister and probably wouldn't be happy with any guy dating her. Go figure.

I think as a whole it's best not to go there, though. You have the potential to ruin a friendship and if there's one thing that can destroy an otherwise unshakeable bond of friendship between two men its a woman.
 
Yes that is very true curse those evil woman.

Thank you mat though I was thinking the samething and then I doubted what I thought and something dark came to the back of my mind but that is all anyone is going to hear of it. I'm going to repress those thoughts fully.

Anyhow I tend to save myself the grief of fighting over girls with my friends by not being so competitive. If they like a girl I'm attracted to I go pay another girl I'm attracted to attention. I'm really not bothered that way. Also I tend to go for girls when I'm on my own so I don't have to deal with my friends wanting to compete with me...
 
Hey, you're very welcome Don. :)

OUt of curiosity, though, what do you think your friend would think of you dating his sister? It's not just about his perceptions of his sister but his perceptions of you.
 
That is what worries me... Well one friend would physically harm any of his friends who tried it on with his little sister... Basically she isn't allowed to date and she is 18 - I think that is wrong.

My other friend who's older sister has now raised my eyebrow (seeing that I'm getting back into this dating game - have to start somewhere). He knows me too well and my er somewhat 'creative antics', we share everything it'd be wierd.

I don't think he is bothered about me dating her if we truly had feelings for each other. I know he'd feel really uncomfortable but he wouldn't stop us. I think he's more bothered about what we'd/I do...
 
Greatness said:
In high school my friends had a simple motto for these situations and because of this we dated alot of the same girls with no conflict

"Bros Before Hoes"

Women can use it too. Its very simple, no friendship is worth losing over a person your friend used to date.
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Do you mean that it's not worth fighting with your friends because you're dating a girl one of them dated, or it's not worth dating the girl because it might mess up things with your friends?
 
DonDaddyD said:
That is what worries me... Well one friend would physically harm any of his friends who tried it on with his little sister... Basically she isn't allowed to date and she is 18 - I think that is wrong.

My other friend who's older sister has now raised my eyebrow (seeing that I'm getting back into this dating game - have to start somewhere). He knows me too well and my er somewhat 'creative antics', we share everything it'd be wierd.

I don't think he is bothered about me dating her if we truly had feelings for each other. I know he'd feel really uncomfortable but he wouldn't stop us. I think he's more bothered about what we'd/I do...
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In that case, yeah, you're best just finding girls outside of your friend's gene pools. The one you mentioned who is so protective of his 18 year old sister needs to chill out. I understand being protective of your kin (if someone hurt my 12 year old niece I'd probably beat them to within an inch of their life) but still...
 
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